Dear Pal,
What do you think about women’s groups? When you hear these words, what comes to mind? For me, it’s a sensible kitten heel, khaki-colored slacks, and a floral blouse. Not “blouse” but “blouzzz”. Did you say it correctly? Blouze. What with this summer’s Coastal Grandma trend, and me being ALL ABOUT IT, you’d think I’d be on board with a woman’s group. But what if you have to go to a woman’s group meeting without having consented first? For instance, let’s say you start a new job. You’re new and it’s completely virtual and you get all these random calendar invites. You don’t know the rules so it’s fair to assume every meeting invite is important and mandatory.
You with me so far?
One of the invites is for a Women’s Group. When you see this you’re like, “Okay? I actually identify more as a twelve-year-old-boy but whatevs let’s see what this is all about.” So you dial in and the topic for this month is Guilty Pleasures: Media. You’re broken out into little Zoom sub-groups and to your absolute pleasure you see that you’ve been put in the same group as the real-life version of Regina George (yay) who promptly begins discussing all the latest life-hacks from TikTok.
The other women start talking about THEIR favorite TikTok stars and you decide to just put yourself on mute so that you can text your pals for the next hour to try to decipher whether or not you’re insane for hating the fact that you somehow, against your will, found yourself in a Women’s Group.
At around the halfway point you hear a lady say “It was absolute smut” which makes you tune in real quick, only to find out they’re discussing a trashy romance novel, so you head back to the text chain because if it’s not My Dad Wrote a Porno then you just simply aren’t interested.
Toward the end of the meeting, Regina decides to display her alpha-lady-dominance and says, “What about you, Lindsey. What are your guilty pleasures???”
So you go off mute, and say the following, “I actually don’t engage with any social media right now. I was highly addicted to the constant doom scrolling, and I realized that it was sucking all joy from my life so I cut it all out recently, and I’ve never logged in to TikTok but I have a few friends who insist on sending me social justice shit on the reg, but that’s really my only experience there. As for me, I just finished Molly Shannon’s memoir, and if you’d like a deep dive on the ins and outs of 90s SNL, which I personally cannot get enough of, then I’d highly recommend it. Otherwise, I just finished the latest season of Succession, and I identify so hard with Cousin Greg, and also Roman is fantastic. That dick pic, amirite?! Hilarious.”
At this point you realize that you accidentally publicly insulted Regina’s #1 Hobby, revealed way too much about who you are as a human (especially considering you don’t know any of these broads), and also, you’re simply not cut out for kitten heels and khaki pants. TikTok Life Hacks? Romance Novels? Ugh.
As you might guess, I’m pumped for next month’s topic: Solo Travel – a Fireside Chat with a Woman Traveler. Apparently we are supposed to listen to some gal talk about the dos and don’ts of solo travel for ladyfolk. And sure, I support a woman traveler as much as the next guy, but do I really need to take an hour out of my day to hear some ten-years-younger-than-me chick tell me to walk to my car with my key positioned as a shiv between my fingers so that I can strike an intruder at a moment’s notice? Been there, done that. You know the key to Lady Solo Travel? Bring a journal and a pen to the bar and write in it while downing a glass of wine and a burger. That’s your surefire solution to keeping the pervs away, believe you me. And if not, they’ll just ask you what you’re writing about and you can say something like, “I’m making a non-exhaustive list* of all of the things I hate in life” and they’ll get scared and will eventually walk away after they realize how uptight you are.
Anyway, it’s clear that I’m thriving. That’s why it has taken me so long to write you! I’m just thriving and so busy with all my groups.
More soon,
Lindsey
*French fries, slow-walking people, slow-talking people, pink camouflage outfits, most cheeses, air conditioning and people who love air conditioning, high fives, strangers, gatherings of more than three people, colors on the warm side of the color wheel, snow, the song Don’t Stop Believing, emojis, wearing shoes, purses, carrying anything heavy or awkwardly-shaped, rural wifi, when your sleeve gets all bunched up after you put on a jacket, store greeters, fancy/complicated ice cream, scheduling things beyond a week out, having to look up excel keyboard shortcuts for MacTops, Women’s Groups, etc.