You all. I’m starting a new Ineptitudes segment called Vitalogy. I recently came across this ancient book and brought it home without hesitation. I’d like to share it with you.
For you 90’s rock band fans, you’re probably wondering why they made a book with Pearl Jam’s album cover. Turns out, the book came first. According to album art lore, Eddie Vedder found an old copy of the book at a garage sale, turned up everywhere with it, and the band eventually all agreed it would make a great album cover.1
But we’re here to talk about the OG Vitalogy, an Encyclopedia of Health and Home written by Dr’s. Wood and Rudduck, circa 1904.
The book synopsis describes it as the following:
“Beacon lights for old and young, showing how to secure health, long life, success and happiness, from the ablest authorities in this country, Europe and Japan.”
I’m here to report: BEACON LIGHTS, INDEED. This thing is a treasure trove of sound advice for any ailment you could imagine, so long as you’re dealing with the ailment during the Edwardian Era.
Like Ed Ved himself, I am obsessed with this thing. I can’t keep it to myself. And so, welcome to a new segment here at Ineptitudes where I bring Vitalogy advice to the masses2. Here we’ll discuss the descriptions, causes, and solutions of every-day problems, such as:
Hair Temperament
Precocious Marriage and Its Effects on Fertility
Habitual Cold Feet
Private Words to Men and Women (Illustrated)
Avoiding Excessive Indulgences
How Children Are Born Either Bright or Stupid
How to Detect and Prevent Secret Vices
Without further ado, let’s ease into this journey with a non-contentious topic: Nightmares and Bad Dreams.
Welcome to Vitalogy, vol. 1: Nightmares & Bad Dreams
Description:
“In this disease, the patient, in time of sleep, . . . groans, and sometimes cries out, though oftener he attempts to speak in vain. Sometimes he imagines himself engaged with an enemy, and, in danger of being killed, attempts to run away. Sometimes he fancies himself in a house that is on fire, or that he is in danger of being drowned in a river. He often thinks he is falling over a precipice, and the dread of being dashed to pieces suddenly awakes him.”3
Causes:
“This disorder . . . proceeds from too much blood, or from a stagnation of blood in the brain, lungs, etc. But . . . it arises chiefly from indigestion. We find that persons of weak nerves, who lead a sedentary life, and live full, are most commonly afflicted. Nothing tends more to produce it than heavy suppers, especially when eaten late. Wind [flatulence] is likewise a frequent cause.”
Prevention:
“Avoid all flatulent food. Deep thought, anxiety, or anything that oppresses the mind ought also be avoided.”
Treatment:
“Persons may free themselves from this difficulty by removing acidity of the stomach. They should not eat food that is difficult of digestion, and should not eat late and heavy suppers; take exercise daily, keep lively company, and be temperate. Sleep with your head toward the North Pole hereafter, and always go to sleep on your right side.”
Notes to Self:
Last night you dreamt of that serial killer wearing the human-sized woodpecker costume chasing you in your yard because all you do is sit at a desk all day and binge on Airheads Extremes from your kid’s Halloween stash. There’s not enough blood flowing to your brain. Best to shift to a bland diet and stop thinking too hard. Maybe get some exercise. Going forward, figure out which way is the North Pole and face your head toward it when sleeping. No. More. Cabbage / Kale / Roughage. Before. Bed.
Discussion & Remaining Questions:
Think about your last nightmare. What did you eat before? Were you thinking too hard? Sitting around all day? Do you have any current research about the causes, prevention, and treatment of nightmares / bad dreams? Why do we need to have our heads face the North Pole? Is it bad to live full? Is blood not flowing to my brain?! Do I have bad dreams because I do stuff like this:
Weisbard, E., et al. (August 2001). Ten Past Ten. Spin Online. https://www.fivehorizons.com/archive/articles/spin801.shtml
None of this is real advice for today, 2024, the year of our lord. This will be a standing footnote.
Wood, G.P., Rudduck, E.H. (1904). Nightmare. Bad Dreams. Vitalogy. Pages 248, 277.
Are there any suitably vintage and/or ridiculous illustrations (maybe of women lying on chaises longues clutching their hearts?) contained in this FUCKING AMAZING SOURCE OF ALL KNOWLEDGE that you’ve uncovered? 🙌
I LIVE for this kind of nonsense! Once knew a guy who wore a hat at night when he went outdoors because he was convinced that moonbeams were bad for us. Thank you for contributing to a world with more eccentricity. STOP the Great Blanding!