It’s been six months since the last newsletter. That’s a long wait. The more time passes, the more pressure there is to reel you back in with superb and helpful content. Given that, let’s break the seal with a quick and low-stakes post regarding airplane seats.
Do you fly on airplanes? Do you forget your seat assignment one thousand times before you finally sit down? Do you find yourself checking the seat assignment over and over again? Do you do this because you’re terrified you’ll sit in the wrong seat and then cause a huge scene when the rightful seat owner tells you that you’re actually in the next row and then you’ll have to ask everyone to move and they all know that you’re the idiot who sat in the wrong seat for the duration of the flight with all credibility flying out the window forever?
Boy howdy do I have a tested and fool-proof strategy for you!
There are six universal letter choices for each airplane seat: A (window), B (middle), C (aisle), D (aisle), E (middle), and F (window). An easy way to commit your seat to memory is to assign a word to each of these letters. Ideally, a swear word. Ideally, the plural version of that swear word. This works perfectly for each seat letter, with the exception of seat E. See below:
A: Assholes
B: Bitches
C: (I think only British people are allowed to say this word?)
D: Dicks
E: Unknown
F: Fucks
Going forward, all you have to do is commit the row number to memory, and then apply the corresponding swear word to your seat. Some scenarios:
Example 1:
Bill: “Hey man! What seat are you in?”
John: “Oh hey Bill! I’m in 13 Fucks!”
Example 2:
Joan: “Frank! It’s been years! What a coincidence that we ran into each other at the airport and now we’re on the same flight!”
Frank: “Totally, Joan. Especially since we’re sitting right next to each other in 22 Bitches and Assholes!”
So there you have it. A time-tested strategy for committing your seat assignment to memory. You’ll never obsessively check your boarding pass again, freeing you up to do what you’re supposed to be doing in airports: sending dirty looks to large groups of families that slowly walk in horizontal lines and thus blocking all the fast walkers that have actual places to be from passing.
The only problem is E. Does anyone know any swear words that start with E?
Eggheads? Enemies. Egomaniacs.