I'm Coaching 4th Grade Soccer: I
I'm Coaching 4th Grade Soccer: I
And it fucking sucks
I have some exciting news. I was recently hired as the Head Coach for the 4th grade boys recreational soccer team. What I’d like to tell you is that they were begging me to do it. That they wanted someone with my athletic prowess and excellent personality to strike some inspiration into these children. Not just in the game of soccer. Also in life.
But I’d be lying. The truth is, nobody else wanted to do it.
I’ve always been coach-curious. I’d see these volunteer parents over the years and think, I could do so much better. It almost looks glamorous from the sidelines, you know? The mesh bag of balls casually draped over a shoulder. The confidence of a woman in jogger sweats, a baseball cap, and a smart sneaker. The whistle.
I wanted in.
I sent a note to the league administrator, and within minutes I was officially named Head Coach. Huh. That easy.
I told my son that night the great news that I’d be his team’s primary mentor een ahh-fuutbohl Ahmereecahno. (I said it like that, in an Italian accent.) “No. No you didn’t. Please dear God say you didn’t,” he said. Alex wasn’t much better. “Oh wow. You really just… went for it.”
Whatever. I had work to do. My first order of business was to go hype-mode on the parents. Give them a little taste of my wit and charm. Prove to them that I am dedicated to the sport of soccer and their children.
Date: 8/27/24, 6:00pm
To: Parents
From: Lindsey
Subject: Intro: Welcome to 4th Grade Boys Soccer!
Hi Everyone! I wanted to send a quick note introducing myself and to update you on the soccer team for our 4th grade fellas. I’m Lindsey, and I’ll be your son’s coach for this upcoming soccer season. Woo!
Getting details on next steps (schedule / game days / field location) has been a bit of a challenge, but rest assured that I am on the case! I'll send out details as soon as I have them, but in the meantime let me know the following:
Preferred times / days for practice?
Willingness to help assist? There are a few dates I may be traveling this fall, so any recurring help would be great.
Anything I should know about your child? Favorite position? Any goalies in the house?
Hopefully everyone has had a chance to buy uniforms. Our first game will be next weekend, so hopefully we'll be able to get in a practice or two before then.
Let me know if you have questions. This will be fun!
Lindsey
Top-tier digital communication skills, right here. Clearly. I’d kill for an introductory email like this. It’s fun and engaging. Friendly. Gets a person excited to dig in. Just the right mix of quirk, relational prompts, and logistical details.
Within minutes I started receiving responses. “Come look, you guys! These families already adore me!” My husband and son came over to read through the emails that were flooding in.
“Lindsey — Good for you! I just realized that we’re over-committed this fall, so we’re going to drop out. Good luck this season!”
“Hi Lindsey! Thanks for stepping into this important role! We are actually trying to get on one of the other teams... Would you remove me from this email distribution list? Thanks again, though!”
“Um, we signed up for the club league so I’m not sure why you’re sending this?? Can you remove me?”
Just like that, I’d gone from a robust eleven-man team down to a measly eight. Over my shoulder, Alex and Walter were having a heyday. High-fiving, cracking up. Jockeying for the best joke at my expense. Just two boys testing their limits with authority. Nothing that Head Coach Lindsey can’t handle. “Guys. This is expected. There’s always a little attrition at the beginning of a season,” I said.
Soon, I started hearing from a few parents of the remaining children.
“Hi Coach. So excited for the season. My son is Max. He is not great with criticism. Especially when the other children are being unkind to him. Also - he requires frequent water breaks.”
“Dear Coach Lindsey. David is a phenomenal soccer player. He exclusively plays the position of center forward. He will be your primary goal scorer, I’m certain of it.”
“Hi Lindsey. My son is Ethan. He’s very fast. Great on defense. Can’t help out - I’m traveling to Europe twice this fall! Good luck.”
Now, listen. I know I asked for this feedback in my original email. But I can honestly say that I was expecting… not this. Frequent water breaks? Center forward? Potential bullying? No assistance whatsoever? I assumed they’d all be… more like me. Accommodating. More grateful. Asking me about my coaching outfits.
Throughout the following week, I struggled to put aside some nagging thoughts that kept circulating in my brain. Reminders about who I actually am as a person. Someone who doesn’t like children. Or adults, really. Most people. That I’ve made it very clear in my professional life that I work best alone. A lone (often aloof) wolf.
I pushed it all aside. Can’t get caught up in mere details. After all, who else could these children possibly turn to for guidance and leadership, if not me?
A week later, the logistical details were set. I’d planned a twice-a-week practice schedule that would prepare us for a weekly Saturday game. All I needed to do now was figure out… how the fuck… I’d be able to explain… to 9-year-olds… these training tutorials that the league had provided.
After spending an hour trying to decipher these ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, I said fuck it. I’d go rogue for our first practice and make up my own drills on the spot. After all, how hard can it be to wrangle a bunch of 4th graders who are eager to learn and play soccer? Beautiful, late summer evening? Check. A cool gal with a forearm tattoo? Check. A muscle tank with shorts, trendy running shoes, and my hair pulled back in a smart and slightly undone bun? Check, check, check. This was in the bag, as they say.
What could possibly go wrong?
Next up, part 2:
I’m Coaching 4th Grade Soccer (and if fucking sucks, part 2).
I coach Under 11 girls in the home of football (Northern England in case you were wondering).
From the outside it may (very slightly) look like I know what I’m doing. On the inside, no way, I’m just trying to control the handstands and the cartwheels…
My toddler grandkids have had the same soccer coach from ages 2 - 6 and I've wondered over and over how she has the patience to do it (especially in Vegas where the temperature often hovers around 110 degrees). You're very brave, lol, but ultimately l think your son will remember this very fondly!